Florida Georgia Line - Anything Goes

Have you heard of "Plan 9 From Outer Space"? It's the last movie Bela Lugosi ever made. He died during production but instead of shelving the project the director made the decision to use stock footage of the actor to flesh out scenes he was in. It is widely considered to be one of if not THE worst movie ever made. But there is a certain strange charm in watching things fall apart and "Plan 9" developed a huge cult following who were able to appreciate it for it's wretchedness...

Which brings us to Florida Georgia Line and, in particular, their most recent album "Anything Goes". Is it the worst "modern country" record ever made? That's a distinct possibility. It's filled with cliches and some songs are little more than laundry lists of hip hop cowboy stereotypes. Musically it's as sterile as a newly bought bottle of saline solution. These two guys are about as likable as...well, those two guys you used to know in high school who always hung around together stinking like stale tobacco and trying to hit on your girlfriend with lines from Playboy party jokes. Their voices are so processed that sometimes you have to do a double take just to make sure you're not listening to a machine. They've got hooks aplenty...TOO MANY DAMN HOOKS, they sort of lose their novelty all scrunched up together like they do 'em. They name check country stars and rock stars in the same breath, which seems to be a sort of rite of passage for the Luke Bryan school of country tough. Here they've managed to rhyme Haggard with Jagger and yes, you will walk away from that one like you've just had your eye spit in. To hear these guys tell it Randy Owens' legendary band Alabama are the best music in the world to listen to when you're high on marijuana. And there's a LOT of marijuana on this album, you have to wonder if they're giving it away for free down there on the border of Florida and Georgia.

All of which is to say that yeah, this is a bad album. It's a crap album. It's pure fluff without an ounce of substance. It's slogans and catchphrases. It has all the lyrical impact of a Wal Mart grocery list. The party does not stop, not even when you want it to, it just keeps on raving because that's what Florida Georgia Line are all about, getting high, getting drunk, getting lucky and the only thing stronger than their libidos is the THC content of the weed. An album that doesn't give a damn about what kind of music it is, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing but these guys come off like hicks with a fascination for Yeezy, they can't get rid of the twang but they can't throw down very well either.

You know what that means? That's right! "Anything Goes" is a classic, not to be missed! You'll find yourself stuck between cringing and laughter as you hear such masterful lyrics as "Victoria's Secret ain't a secret no more" and "Baby you ain't nothin' but a masterpiece/Swayin' and sippin' those Dos Equis". And check this: "All I wanna do is wear my favorite shades and get stoned/And all I wanna do is lace my Jays and lace some Jack in my Coke". Doesn't that make you want to run out and buy the record? And some whiskey? And Coke? And pot? Yes, folks, this album is laugh-out-loud bad and it doesn't let up with the party hardyin'. The closest you get to a ballad is "Dirt" which is, like, a tribute to...you guessed it. Dirt. Mud. It's a farmer thing, you wouldn't understand.

So I'm gonna recommend this stinker of an album because sometimes it's just fun to listen to a stinker of an album, it helps you appreciate the ones that don't stink all the more. But beware. The very sound waves emitted from your speakers when you play Florida Georgia Line will probably reek of weed and whiskey. It's too bad I don't do that stuff or this might sound like "Sgt. Pepper" to me.