"Melancholia" is a collection of songs I wrote and recorded between December 7-14, 1988. I always thought of it as a proper "album" although the recording quality was far from being good enough to actually consider releasing. For that matter the performances aren't all that great. Many of the songs sound alike, as I was just then learning how to manipulate the D chord a little bit. It was recorded on a flimsy little cassette recorder in the shed my father built in our back yard when we first moved into the house. The last couple of years had found me committed, albeit voluntarily, in a mental hospital, staying in an assisted living facility and playing in one of the best bands I've ever been a part of over the summer. I'm not real sure where my head was at when I wrote this music. I had written a couple of songs that were good enough to use in the band and it's likely I hoped to pitch some of these to them, having left a few months before. The material was fresh when I recorded it, if memory serves.
I've always been happy with "Melancholia" for what it is/was. I decided to publish the song lyrics here because even though there are some real clunkers in the mix, there are also some decent lines, maybe even a whole song or two (at most). Plus they kind of give a bit of insight into where my mind was at back then. Not a very happy picture, overall. Oh, well. Welcome to my world. Actually that's not fair, because a lot of the sentiment in "Melancholia" is juvenile, pretentious and posturing. That's what I had going for me in the late 80s.
"CIRCLES"
This is the last time, nowhere left to turn
So let's walk to the south side and watch the crosses burn
I'm left with no feeling or reason to go on
I can see your face in fire and I know what went wrong
I'm running around in circles...'round and 'round we go
You ask me where I'm going to but I don't even know
I'm just runnin' around, not getting anywhere
Running around in circles
I tried to tell you but you wouldn't hear me out
Sometimes to get to you you know I think I have to shout
(Hey! Hey!)
You say this attitude is getting in the way
You can blame my attitude when I'm lying in the grave
(Hey!)
Running around in circles...'round and 'round we go
You ask me where you're going to but I don't know
You're just runnin' around in circles, you're not getting anywhere
Running around in circles
I think I have to shout
I think I'll have to shout
I think I'll have to shout
Shout
"CONSISTENCY"
There are things I still don't understand
Happy couples walking hand in hand
Diderot's "Rameau's Nephew" "D'Alambert's Dream"
I read it a hundred times and still don't see
As it was before it soon believes
What I'd give for some consistency
And the lights go out
And the lies come down
And I still can make no sense of it at all
The thoughts are in my head are so surreal
I'm trying to sort out the way I feel
I see machines when I close my eyes
I can't sleep no matter how I try
I don't think you're listening, no
What I'd give for some consistency
And the lights go out
And the lies come down
And I still can make no sense of it at all
(...sense of it all...no sense of it at all)
And the lies come out
And the lights go down
And we still can make no sense of it at all
"SAM, YOU KNOW SHE'S DYING"
Sam, you know she's dying
And there's nothing you can do so let her go
The family's in the front room crying
Well it took so long but now I think they know
How do we tell her parents?
And how can we tell all her kids?
How will we tell anyone who gave a damn?
Because nobody did
Sam, you know she's dying
Her eyes are closed, she's comatose and grey
Well, I bet you thought that I was lying
But there's truth in every morbid word I say
It's too late now
And all her letters home you never read
They won't change a thing or resurrect that feeling
Or bring her back to you...she's dead
(...she's dead)
Sam, you know she's dying
Sam, you know...
"COLD WAR"
I looked into your empty faces
I saw it through your hollow eyes
They take me to familiar places
Like Heaven falling from the sky
I need to know there's something more
Answers we're not ready for
The congregation marches down the street
In a cold war
It's come to envelope us all
And just the realization
Could save country from a fall...
Annihilation
I need to know there's something new
Something we're prepared to do
Forced to kill to make a point
It's just another job for you
These hordes that gather nightly
To fade into a scene
Avoiding just to spite me
Afraid of what they've seen
It's come to envelope us all
And just the realization
Could save, save this country from a fall
"CLOWNS"
The stone-still faces and the shallow eyes
I've grown accustomed to
I hear the people laughing, their mocking sound always
Reminds me of you
I know they're laughing at me
And I've known it all along
I'm laughing, too
I try to reassess the situation and look at it
From every side
I live in desperation and when I hear your voice
I realize
I know you're laughing at me
And I've known it all along
I'm laughing, too
You're laughing at me
It's enough to make me cry
And I do
You're laughing at me
You're laughing at me
"MARK WHITE'S DEAD"
HEYYYYY!
Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!
Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!
He had no soul. He was a real asshole
He had no soul. He was a fuckin' asshole
Asshole!
Oh, Lord forgive me I know I have sinned but I
Just couldn't help it, he was getting on my nerves
Mark White's dead and nobody cares
Mark White's dead...nobody cares
Nobody cares
All of his friends were gone in the end
All of his friends were gone in the end
All of his friends were gone
When I killed him
Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!
Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!
"LESSONS"
Talked about the Golden Rule, I thought I had it down
Never called my brothers "fool" until they weren't around
Then I finally realized that I was just like them
And all the ones I criticized are teaching me again
These are the lessons that I've learned
These are the lessons that I've learned
These are the lessons that I've learned
Wished upon a lucky star and saw it falling down
I'm still wondering where you are, lying on the ground
Luck and hope are fantasies and dreams that don't come true
I have learned it painfully but I still wait for you
These are the lessons that I've learned
These are the lessons that I've learned
These are the lessons that I've learned
I've learned...I've learned
Wishing on a lucky star for you
Waiting 'til the end of time for you
"SOMEONE"
Is it too much for me to expect?
Is there anyone who really understands?
I'm drowning and the audience just cheers
No one's reaching out for my hand
All I really need is someone who cares about me
All I want, all I need is
Someone
"We're not paid to have concern for you
You can't expect that from us"
I have no expectations now
Not hope or faith or trust...trust
If somehow I cried out to you
In a hopeless, desperate way
I don't think you would understand even then
I heard you laughing...you're laughing when I say
All I really need is someone who cares about me
All I want, all that I need is
Someone who cares
Who cares...
Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?
"LITTLE GIRL"
It could have been her mother holding her hand
But she seemed so much older, I don't understand
On the radio they told me who she was
Now I gotta have her simply just because
I need a little girl...little girl
I need a little girl...little girl
She's old enough to be a mother, too
And I think I'd love her more than I love you
I'd like to hold her...I could be her man
She's got another woman by the hand
I need a little girl...alright
I need a little girl...a little girl
Little girls got crazy little looks
Got their little notepads and their little black books
Make me turn around and take another look
Another look
(Gotta turn the page, said Bob Seger...I like what I see)
Gotta be a reason for the way I feel
Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, that she can't be real
But I see her coming, I don't know where to start
I take their love...I tear it apart
Cause I need a little girl...just a little bit
A little girl...a little bit
And I want her...shit, I gotta have her
Need a little girl...just a little
(Hey, over there, I know you're not here, but Hi anyway!)
"KARI KARI"
I want to read her diary
And I want to read her poetry
I wanna get inside behind the shadow in her eyes
With open eyes she still can't see
She just smiles back at me
She's just like all the rest and I'll listen to all of her lies
Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do
Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes
I want to find her address
I wanna ask her to marry me
I want to call her on the telephone and see if she's real
The phone rang twenty times
I loved her for her mind
No answer to justify the stupid way I feel
Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do
Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes
The phone rang twenty times
I loved her for her mind
No answer to justify the stupid way I feel
"PILLS AND ALCOHOL"
Grown immune to change, I'm changing everyday
The blood that flowed so freely doesn't wash away
A stain that turns from crimson into something close to grey
Makes me want to laugh at you...makes me want to change
Can you take it seriously?
I just want to laugh
And I think He's smiling, too
I know you're talking about me and I know you're watching me
I oscillate from the thought that you might like what you see
I can look in the mirror and see someone I never knew
It's the same feeling I get when I'm looking at you
And I'm looking at you
And I'm looking to you
And I'm looking through you
And I'm looking through you
And I'm looking right through you
Right through you
No solutions in sight...pills and alcohol
No solution in sight, just pills and alcohol
Pills and alcohol... pills and alcohol
Pills and alcohol
I just wanna laugh at you
I just wanna laugh at you
"GAMES"
I was gonna leave until you caught my eye
With a wink you pulled me back into your velvet life
All the doors are locked, the windows closed and sealed
Can't get in or out of this crazy way I feel
And it seems so strange
I'm still not tired of your games
I've lost again
These are games I'll never win
You spoke of love, I know you spoke the truth
I sat for hours listening to you
Love letters and poetry that didn't rhyme
We were so anesthetized by time
Today I saw it as you walked right out of the room
Your smile had faded, you knew you were wrong
And it's always been the same
We both play our stupid little games
I've lost again
But these are games I'll never win
"WE DREAMED"
Your happiness forced, we've come to an end
The years that are left we only pretend
A smile or a hope uncomfortably rare
A dream we've forgotten...an unanswered prayer
We dreamed of a future bright as the sun
Each day as the first, we'd only just began
We dreamed of forever no matter the cost
We woke up together, another dream lost
Another dream lost
Death draws us closer while age tears apart
No more love songs and no broken hearts
You'll finally rest and leave me behind
Accustomed by now to living alone
"UNTITILED"
Happy is as happy was and all my songs sound alike
"DISTANCE AND DREAMING"
-instrumental-
"TO AUBREY"
(lyrics are improvised and mostly indecipherable)
Side B follows in the preceding post...
