To Aubrey

And Aubrey was her name,
A not so very ordinary girl or name.
But who's to blame?
For a love that wouldn't bloom
For the hearts that never played in tune.
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing,
Take away the words that rhyme it doesn't mean a thing.

And Aubrey was her name.
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon,
But where was June.
No it never came around.
If it did it never made a sound,
Maybe I was absent or was listening to fast,
Catching all the words, but then the meaning going past,

But God I miss the girl,
And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be
Closer to her than to me.

And Aubrey was her name,
I never knew her, but I loved her just the same,
I loved her name.
Wish that I had found the way
And the reasons that would make her stay.
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest.
If I can't have the one I want, I'll do without the best.

But how I miss the girl
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say
She had been mine for a day.

("Aubrey" by David Gates)

Maybe you didn't know, but I gave you that name. Your middle name (Lynn) was taken from your maternal grandfather, but I'm responsible for your first name. I still don't know why I chose it, other than maybe because the music was beautiful, as I was sure you would be. I was several hundred miles from you in the months before and leading to the day you came into this world...whenever I heard that song on the radio there was something about it...something that I cannot, even to this day, explain, but it seemed to mean something, something important.

So I took a chance and named you "Aubrey". Even though the words were not exactly what you'd expect in a song one would name a child after. No matter, I knew, by the time I was asked what I wanted to name you, it was already set in my mind...Aubrey.

The words turned out to be prophetic. Your mother left me when you were only 6 months old, and she took you with her. You never got to know me as a father (if you knew anything about me at all) and I never got to be a father to you. I've got a twelve year old son, now, and as I watch him grow I finally realize all that I've missed during those absent years.

For a long, long time I hoped and prayed that somehow, someway you would come into my life again. Maybe, I reasoned, you would be curious about your birth father, having known practically nothing about me all that time. I thought, "maybe when she's 18, maybe going to college and for the first time out from under her mother's wing (though I'm not suggesting that your mother had anything to do with keeping you away from me)". Three years later I thought, "well, now that she's 21, free and legal, who knows but that she could show up any day".

Today, my lost angel, is your 22nd birthday.

I have not given up on the hope that we will be re-united. God has heard my prayers concerning that so many times that He's not likely to forget it, so I put it in His hands. I've become resigned to the likelihood that I will never see you again. Hope remains, but it is buried deep so that it cannot be crushed by reality.

Aubrey, I wish you happiness, contentment, joy... I ran into your uncle a few months ago and though the subject of what happened between Barbra and I was still taboo (along with certain information regarding you), he did tell me that you'd been married a year before. He said you'd married a man from church. You were doing fine, and I have no doubt you are. I am glad. I know, as well as I know my own life's history, that you will succeed in all that you do.

I don't have anything to give you for your birthday. Said to say but that I haven't been able to get anything for you throughout the years, and even if I had, I wouldn't have known where to send it. And I know you'll probably never see this, that you likely have no idea that your dad writes such whacked-out stuff in a blog on the Internet. Still, this is for you...it's a song I wrote in 1987, when you were 2 years old. You'll have to forgive the somewhat negative allusions to your mother, but the wounds were still fresh from our parting.

Aubrey Lynn

I would run to you

Through fields of autumn

Just to see you smile again

But what's done is done

You can't go back

Forever's a long, long time

To be without you

What can I do?

These old songs are coming true

Some are sad and some tear me apart

Now I'm waiting, Aubrey Lynn

Can you turn me 'round again

Can you put your love back in my heart?

No shedding tears

I thought I could

But I did not understand

She looked into my eyes

Cast a web of lies

I guess she didn'tgive a damn

About me

She couldn't see

Something she could never be

She knew she didn't love me from the start

So now I'm waiting, Aubrey Lynn

Can you turn me 'round again

Can you put your love back in my heart?

Now I sleep alone

Through the starlit nights

And the sun comes 'round again

Another dream of you

Comes crashing in

Then I could sleep forever more

Here without you

Is it true?

Is there something I could do?

I can't stand to be so far apart

I'll keep waiting, Aubrey Lynn

Until you turn me 'round again

Until you put you love back in my heart

Pretty maudlin, eh? Oh well, you know that it came from a heart freshly broken, nonetheless filled with love for you, my daughter.

Before I sign off for today, I have another little something for you. I doubt you've ever seen it, as I don't think your mother has a copy.

This photograph of your mother and I was taken in 1980, at my senior prom. I was almost 18 years old and I guess Barbra was 17. We weren't much impressed with the whole "prom thing". After the dinner and the pictures were taken we left. The rest of the night was spent in each others' company, without all the DJ-provided hustle and bustle on the dance floor.

Despite what the song I wrote would have you believe, I know she really loved me during the time we had together. I know that I loved her with all my heart and soul. I think you can even see that in our eyes in this picture. It's the look of two people savouring their first drink from the fountain of love.

Now how corny is that??? :)

Anyhow...all this is just my long winded way of saying:

HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY, AUBREY!

I LOVE YOU!