Joni! Joni! Joni!

I am daily falling deeper and deeper in love with Joni. Into a pool of bliss my heart sinks at the sight of her. I cannot relinquish this passion, though many of my closest associates (including my wife) have advised me that my desire for her is, as they say, a "dead end road". My family tells me that I am a deviant pervert because I call out her name when I'm asleep. My pastor says I'm treading dangerously close to some kind of mental adultery, and if nothing else, my attitude towards the vixen has served as an insult to the integrity of her husband, Marcus, who is the world-renowned founder of a network that provides airspace for some of the world's most blatant con-men and outright quacks (including, but not limited to Benny Hinn, John Hagee, Mike Murdock, Kenneth Copeland, Perry Stone, DR. [ha] Rod Parsley, Creflo Dollar & T.D. Jakes). So I don't feel too sorry for the guy, as he's responsible for broadcasting a lot of what some people refer to as "doctrine of the bullshit sort". Besides, he's got Joni, so no matter how low a blow he might be dealt, he will always have this ministering angel by his side, a vision of elegance that he does not deserve, never has and never will.

Watching the "Celebration" show yesterday I was informed, in a rather smug and self-satisfied manner by Marcus, that the 25th anniversary of the accidental union in marriage of he and Joni was forthcoming. They gave each other presents (Joni's appeared to be of a much higher value in comparison to the trinkets and withered flowers offered by her cheapskate husband), fawned a bit, and generally grinned and bore it. Who knows, maybe they do have a happy marriage...as much as I wish it was ME celebrating an anniversary with her (not necessarily marriage, either...heh heh) I don't begrudge Marcus the luck he undoubtedly is supplied with in abundance. So hey, guys, happy anniversary.

Marcus put his foot in his mouth yesterday. I derived enormous pleasure from seeing him squirm, and squirm he did.

It went like this. Marcus was blabbing on about all the countries in the world that were finally being "ministered to" by the Daystar satellite's Holy Beam. He reeled off a few then he mentioned that one of the countries he was most excited about, who had expressed interest in putting Daystar on the air, was Russia. He said that one of the main things that the Russkies demanded was the "Joni Show"...

Well, no shit, Sherlock! Those Russians know a hot chick when they see one. They'd be happy if Joni's show was on an infinite loop and was all Daystar ever showed...which is, now that I think about it, a great idea.

So anyway, Marcus is delighted that the Bears want his wife. "Do you think you're ready to do a show in Russia, Joni?" and he starts naming possible show titles..."Joni Visits Russia. Joni Goes to Russia"...then he said it..."JONI DOES RUSSIA"!!!

Ha! They didn't show my baby's face, but it is certainly not unreasonable to believe that it was frowning and angry, embarrassed of this buffoon who she'd been married to for 25 years and who obviously had a cursory knowledge of late 70's-era pornographic movies. She forgave him between commercial breaks (even though he deserved no sympathy from her or anyone else, in fact she should have left him and answered my repeated calls to unite with me), and everything was hunky dory after the Daystar Singers belted out a particularly inspirational ditty.

If that weren't enough, one of the guests was a Christian sex therapist and it was question-and-answer time for the last half of the show. Words cannot describe the thrills and erotic sensations which coursed through my body as I watched Joni sit there next to her husband reading viewers questions that ranged from "Are sex toys alright?" to "Is it alright to masturbate now that my husband is dead?"...

Then Marcus asked his own question: "Is oral sex okay?" The bastard! I know exactly why he asked that question! No doubt it's a favorite activity in the Lamb bedroom and he was seeking some sort of "sanctified permission" from the sex-therapist. From a couple of comments he dropped it was pretty much made clear that, had the answer been in the negative, he would have ignored it, because there's nothing like a slobbery knob-slobbing from Joni...Joni, my true love, how it pains me to think of you pleasuring this guy with your rosy red lips, your soft and moist tongue, the gentle nibbling of your teeth...and he doesn't even notice or appreciate you for it! All he can do is focus on the DVD of "Debbie Does Dallas" playing on the bedroom TV!

Oh, God. I need to go take a cold shower.