I appreciate that you're saving $5-$10 on a shopping cart overflowing with groceries but from back here at the end of the check out line it's easy to get a little aggravated with you and your Bible-thick stack of coupons, half of which are out-of-date. For every 5 coupons that scan properly there's that one where the bar code just won't be read until you finally give up and let the cashier move on to the next one. Funny how you never look back at those of us waiting behind you, ice cream melting, milk going sour, bread molding. Is that guilt that won't let you turn to the right to take in the sight of all the coupon-less shoppers whose patience was tested, long before getting into this line, by the mind numbing process of Wal-Mart shopping? It's not as if you don't save a dollar on a dollar-fifty bag of donuts with their "everyday low prices", you have to kick in a coupon for a dime off because, hey, it all adds up. Don't be such a cheapskate, man. Do your part just as we do, small as it is, in helping build back up the nation's dying economy. I know, it's almost like being tortured to have to give your money to Wal-Mart and I don't blame you for wanting to skim a tiny portion off the top, even if it's only to rankle the boys down in Arkansas. But for God's sake, we've got things to do, places to be. The magazines they put in the aisles to sell, Barnes & Noble style, are all lame and most of us wouldn't be caught dead reading the Enquirer or the Globe in public. There's nothing to do besides grumble and resent you holding us up, knowing that all the other lines are just as long and who knows how many of them will be populated with even more bargain busters each one wielding "War and Peace" sized stacks of coupons, all wrinkled from being stuffed in a purse with all the other useless crap, making the bar codes even MORE difficult to scan. Here's the deal, lady. Me and my friends here, at all points in the line behind you, are willing to throw together $5.00 CASH if you'll just forget about all the coupons. Let me re-iterate, that's CASH, doll. Mean green. You can take that to the casino and walk out with a whole butt load of money. Or you can buy a Happy Meal and sell the toy on eBay for a hundred bucks. $5.00 will buy you a copy of Vogue so you can sit back and salivate over all the fashion accessories you might could have bought with the money you saved at Wal-Mart...but WAIT! You can't get you no Gucci with coupons from the Sunday Oklahoman. Christian Dior and Tommy Hilfiger (sp) don't make no "$75 off" chits, now do they? Ma'am, take my advice. Cash is the way to go. And you might say that $5.00 doesn't seem like a lot when you consider how much money you'll save on Great Value Hominy, or Clabber Girl baking powder, or a Banquet liver and onions TV dinner, or a 12 roll family pack of John Wayne toilet paper... Great deals, I agree. I do love me some Bar-S bologna with Ramen noodles. But just take a look at the fine print on any of those coupons. See? "Cash value of coupon is less than 1/100th of a cent". Looks to me like $5.00 would be a real windfall for such petty work as snipping little rectangles out of newspapers and magazines. $5.00. It's what we have for you. Take it and accept out deepest gratitude. But if you refuse I guarantee you will never be forgiven when some proud-parent-to-be can't make it to the hospital in time to see the birth of his first child for no other reason than that he needed a can of discount priced Skoal and you held up the line. Selfish. Shame, shame, shame. $5.00.
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