Modern country music in the ring

Notice he wasn't wearin' black back when this picture was taken

Yeah, Johnny! That's the way I feel about what passes for country these days. Most of it. If only you were still around to provide a little perspective.

But since that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon, I've got another idea:  MMA cage matches between modern country music stars.

Eric Church vs. Keith Urban, that would be a wager easily won.

Montgomery Gentry vs. Rascal Flatts: three men down, two riding Harleys to the honky tonk.

Trace Adkins vs. Toby Keith, since guns aren't allowed in the ring you would be smart to put your money on Adkins because, face it, he is one big, tall mother lover. He's survived a gunshot wound to the abdomen, in case you didn't know, so it's obvious who has the advantage in this match.

Tim McGraw vs. George Strait, well, it's bad enough that Tim buys his cowboy hats at Big Lots or that George is probably at least 20 years older, the fact of the matter is that George Strait is the king. One pop to the noggin and McGraw will learn a whole 'nother meaning to "Live Like You Were Dying".

We could do a special "C&W Veterans Match" and pair up George Jones and Merle Haggard. They're both past their fighting years, you have to cut them some slack. George has overcome a lot of obstacles. He's beat alcoholism, he's beat cocaine abuse and he even beat a couple of his wives (not verified). A formidable opponent. But on the other hand Merle Haggard just got out of the hospital having whipped pneumonia or some other potentially deadly malaise, so that SOB is TOUGH! And obviously he's still at the top of his game, so I have to lay my wages at the feet of the "workin' man". Sorry, Possum.

Zac Brown vs. Scott McCreery: surprisingly enough I think Scotty would win, simply because I don't see Zac as the kind of man who would strike a kid. Not just out of respect for the "right thing to do" but even more out of respect for the law. He's obviously a tough guy, but I doubt he wants to find out just HOW tough behind prison walls.

Sugarland vs. Lady Antebellum...I think that one will be a tie. The Antebellums certainly outnumber the Lands three-to-two but once that Sugarland dude gets his wacky signature hat knocked off he will be pissed to the gills and a force to be reckoned with. He could very well, in such a state of righteous anger, pull down a good 2/3s of the Ladys, but that one guy with the tattoo might be able to fend him off for a few minutes at least.

Taylor Swift vs. Martina McBride...Reba McEntire vs. Sara Owens...Rodney Akins vs. Dierks Bentley...Brad Paisley vs. Alan Jackson...Billy Currington vs. Big & Rich...What a great bill! The mat will be spattered with blood and Tennessee whiskey when the last cowboy has gone home. A lot of superstars will leave the arena on stretchers and even more will require extensive first aid from qualified paramedics. And I don't mean band-aids and alcohol. I'm talking about stitches, splints, neck braces, IVs, the works. Some will never make another country music video for the rest of their lives. Many will take the stage with a limp from now on. As for the winners? A chance to pray for Keith Urban's recovery. Membership in a tiny, exclusive, elite club of people who have prayed for Keith Urban's recovery. New-found respect from fans who won a lot of money betting on them. Another chance to write the perfect country song, somehow incorporating their victory into the mix with momma, trains & getting drunk. Respect. Winner take all. Until the casino hosts another C&W cage fight extravaganza.

And when the bell has rang for the last match of the last C&W MMA cage fight in history, there will be only one man left standing. He'll have knocked the hat off Tim McGraw's balding head. He'll have bought Josh Turner a ticket for that long, black train and stood at the station to make sure he got on. He'll have put Hootie back in the Blowfish. He'll have put Kenny Chesney in a Jimmy Buffet tribute band and made sure he never played in Nashville again. He'll hide Willie Nelson's weed and laugh to watch him frantically searching for it. Cruel. He'll have made Blake Shelton scream so hard, so loud and so long that he will forever lose his voice. And he'll keep kicking ass until he's 100 years old, when he'll retire and go back to roping cows on the range. "I was a young troubadour when I rode in on a song," he sings, words were never spoken as true as they, "I'll be an old troubadour when I'm gone." That'll be a long time to come. Until then, watch and be amazed as GEORGE STRAIT wreaks havoc on the state of country music in these times.