Dear God, I just swallowed a cough drop.

One of those strong Hall's cherry bastards at that.

I guess I'm lucky it was sucked down to about a third of it's original size, but it's still big enough to elicit a rather strange sensation in a spot which, for lack of the proper anatomical terminology, is directly above my stomach. Really a bad feeling that I hope will not last for very long.

I hope no one was offended by the photographs of Linda Blair that I posted the other day. We're all adults here, right?

It could be worse.

Christmas "List"...another fun time-killer

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Brown paper bags are always the best.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
Artificial, The real ones catch fire too easilly, as my cousin's family found out a few years ago. I guess they deserved it, though, because it's really kind of a stupid idea to chop down a pecan tree and use it for Christmas.

3. When do you put up the tree?
I kinda hate this kind of stuff, so it's not so much WHEN I put up the tree it's HOW do I put up WITH the tree. But I figure, hell, it's just a tree, right?

4. When do you take the tree down?
Whenever I can get Uncle Charlie to loan me his chainsaw.

5. Do you like egg nog?
I'd rather drink raw sewage. And I have, in fact, drank raw sewage, so the comparison is not arbitrary.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
A kidney donation from a compassionate, selfless individual whose generosity touched the heart of every member of my family. Of course, there was nothing wrong with either of my kidneys, but I had a fun time playing with it.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, but it's kind of strange. All the wise men are portrayed by cast members from "The Godfather",

8. Hardest person to buy for?
The Incredible Hulk

9. Easiest person to buy for?
Rosie on the corner of Robinson & 3rd in the Blue Light district.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I make e-mail Christmas cards, print 'em up then send them in the mail.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
"Turd-in-a-Bucket"...although I hear those things are wildly popular in France.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
"Goodfellas". "Bad Lieutenant" is the runner up.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
December 25th, when all the stores are closed. I get 'er wrapped up by the time the stores re-oopen on the 26th.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
As a matter of fact, I have. I gave the kidney I'd recieved the year before to my Uncle Charlie, who used it as a dog treat. Labrodors just love human organs.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Cranberry sauce. You know, the kind that comes in the can and retains the shape of the inner can? Oh yeah. Just pop that sucker open and plop it on a plate, bite by bite a gelatinous delight.

Just kidding. I hate cranberry sauce. I prefer taco sauce.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
The clear ones are more apt to ignite a fire, while the colored ones have the Good Housekeeping seal of approval and rarely cause fires. So I'd have to choose the clear ones.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
"Iron Man"

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Depends on where the family is going to be. If they're coming to my house then I'm gonna travel. If they're staying put, then so am I. They don't call me "The Family Guy" for nothing, you know.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Sure I can name 'em. I named my son, my daughter and 4 different pets over the course of my life, I think it's safe to say I could name those pesky deer if I got a notion to. I'd start with Klein. Then I'd name the second one Roberta. The third one, of course, would be Captain America. The fourth, Carter the 3rd. The fifth and sixth deer are twins (I bet ya didn't know that, did ya?) so I'd have to give them some silly rhyming name...how about Frank and Hank? That sounds good, even though they are females. And then there's that red-nosed beast that guides the way for the rest. Everyone knows what his name is, as it's etymology has been celebrated in one of the most popular Christmas songs ever...that's right...Santa's Bitch.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
You can't expect a heavenly being to remain tethered to a tree top for the duration of the Christmas season. Unless, of course, you're talking about one of the really scary ones from the book of Ezekial, in which case I suppose you could tie one up and let it struggle for freedom in a cage perched at the top of your tree. You'd have to set it free after the Christmas holiday, because they are bestowed with uncanny skills of escape on New Years Eve. On that day they wreak more havoc in a 24 hour period than a mob gang can muster up in two weeks. So string one of 'em up if you get the chance. Otherwise the star is acceptable. Just as long as you understand that in many parts of the world it is considered a strong talisman for use in Satanic rituals.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
I was always told that all kids who could not wait until Christmas morning to open their presents were selfish, impatient bastards who didn't even deserve to get any presents. Of course, I fell into this category. I thought it was all good, but later in my life my mother confessed that she and dad would have bought better toys for me if I had waited until Christmas day. As it was, I had to feign excitement over the third set of Lincoln Logs in as many years.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
Salvation Army beggars with their bells and their cheerful "Merry Christmas" wishes. It's a well-known fact that they silently curse you if you don't put money in their buckets.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
I once had an ornament set based on the members of Charles Manson's Family. Oh my God, it was so cool. I had to take it down, though, because my Jewish mother-in-law said she offended by the swastikas carved in their foreheads. I think she was just being a party-pooper.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
With the exception of the canned cranberry sauce I make it a point not to eat on Christmas day. I've always done that, and I don't know why. The only thing I can figure is that grass is green and the sky is blue.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
City Hall.

"Darkest Night"

My son has been wanting the ACID Music Studio 7.0 ever since we saw it at Target several months ago. He was already familiar with the format, as we had the ACID DJ (2.0) program years ago (lost when our computer was wiped following a bad virus).So we got it for him as a birthday present. He was very excited and said, in a MySpace bulletin that it was the best gift he'd ever recieved.

I'm pretty pleased with it myself, as it has helped me wile away the hours of free time I have to fill with something productive. I've done a re-mixing of an old Jimbo & the Festives song ("Sleeping Rose") but I guess I'm most plesed with the song I finished up last night, after 4 days of working on it. It's called "Darkest Night" and can be found on my Soundclick music page.

Check it out and I hope you enjoy it.

DARKEST NIGHT

A dark inconvenience

Living in Oklahoma has been a real inconvenience the last couple of days, as a serious ice storm has crippled the state and our house has been without power for the most part of two days. This is not so bad in itself...I would like to think that I'm not entirely dependent upon electricity, but it is the little things that you miss when the lights go out.

No computer/internet. As I write I am sitting in the warm comfort of the public library, with it's superior computer and faster connection speed (we have DSL, but obviously a cable connection is superior). Even this is not something I want to be attached to, but I've been working on a song using my son's new Acid Music Studio program, and I'm just nearly ready to wrap it up. No can do without the computer.

No electricity for electric stove, hence no hot meals. Which wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the fact that everything we have in the refrierator and cupboards right now is stuff that has to be cooked. I am dearly hoping that power will be restored by the time we leave this library because my stomach is growling.

No XM radio. I could live without the television. The cable has been out anyway. But it hurts to do without the XM.

Darkness at night, not enough light in the day with which to read. Misery.

But I must sign off now, as I don't know when I will be kicked off of this library computer.

Docky Pecky

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
A dead cat I found on the side of the road...and two severed heads.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
The last time I saw Rosie O'Donell

3. What's your favorite curse word?
I like 'em all. i couldn't pick a favorite if I tried.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
I did not smile today.

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Dreaming of that bitch.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Savoring the taste of a delicious combination of lettuce, Wish Bone Italian salad dressing, parmesian cheese, shredded cheddar cheese and pepperoni. I think I farted a couple of times, too.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
I've been to a few, but I stopped going when the bozo I went with, sitting on perverts row, hollered "let's see some TA-TAs!!!". I saw the light at that point, understanding dawned upon me and I never went to another one.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Get off the computer. I got important surveys to fill out."

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
The general consensus amongst those with a taste for ice cream is that vanilla is not only the best, but is also one of the few flavors that can be used with ease in the preperation of various ice cream based concoctions. But how would I know? Ice cream gives me the hurty-squirtys.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Docky Peckey.

12. What are you wearing right now?
A gorgeous french brassierre.
...okay, I'm just kidding.
It's just a regular brassierre.

13. What was the last thing you ate?
Docky Pecky. (and see #6)

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
I bought my wife a new brassierre.

15. When was the last time you ran?
I believe it was about 3 years ago when a cop found a crack pipe in my pocket and didn't take my word for it when I told him I had no idea how it got there.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Docky Pecky.

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Tom. I told him to go take a flying leap.

19. Ever go camping?
No. I hate the great outdoors.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Docky Pecky.

25. What did your last text message say?
DKY PKY TTYL

26. Are you someone's best friend?
I am the universe's best friend. God likes me a little bit, too.

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Givin' it another go.

28. Where is your mom right now?
She wouldn't want me telling even if I knew.

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
Docky Pecky.

30. What color is your watch?
I cannot answer this question as my answer could very well jeopardize national security.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Fosters Lager. Kangaroos. Criminals. That Dundee fool. That ridiculous song "Down Under". And finally, Docky Pecky.

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
You better believe it. I rode one straight into the pits of hell one time and didn't even come close to throwing up. That's a seasoned rider for ya.

33. What is your birthstone?
Gravel Chunk.

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
I've tried hitting the drive through, but to no avail. All I got was a bloodied hand and the guy didn't even get my order right. I always go in because I prefer that my fast food experience be as tedious and long as possible.

35. What is your favorite number?
667

36. Do you have a dog?
I do until he barks again, at which point I will NOT have a dog.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
The local pimp. I had a complaint.

38. Have you met anyone famous?
I met all the members of The Call, though I doubt anyone remembers them. I met Wade Hayes, though I doubt anyone remembers him. I met Fidel Castro, but I'm not supposed to talk about that.

39. Any plans today?
Big plans. Small plans. Docky Pecky plans.

40. How many states have you lived in?
54

41. Ever go to college?
No, but I went to a university. I graduated summa cum laude with a degree in pimping.

42. Where are you right now?
In a room in a house in a town in a county in a state in a country in a continent in a hemisphere of a planet in the Seventh Superuniverse...and so on...

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Bugs in my ears.

44. Last song listened to?
"Saturday Night's Alright for Docky Pecky"

46. Are you allergic to anything?
Weed, tree pollen and air.

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Steel toed boots. They are a formidable weapon and really not all that uncomfortable when you consider all the havoc they are capable of wreaking.

49. Are you jealous of anyone?
The man in the moon.

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
The man in the moon.

51. Do you love anyone?
The man in the mirror.

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Some of my friends have children but none of their children have any friends.

53. Do you eat healthy?
Of course...if one considers fried foods and twinkies healthy.

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Try to repair the damage done by what I usually do during the night.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
I hate everyone in the town of Meeker. They all piss me off. No particular reason. Not just because their police force is overzealous, though that is a factor. I just can't stand any of 'em.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
A few times when I look into the mirror.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
Docky Pecky.

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Twice when the sheer pummeling force of boredom left no alternative.

60. How did you get one of your scars?
I only have one scar, which was a result of a fierce swashbucling bout that I once experienced when I told Humphrey Bogart that Ingrid Bergman was Docky Pecky. He slashed my upper torso and left a gash that sickens even me.

Ruminations

I looked to the western sky at sundown and I saw it as the Canvas of God.

I stared into the deep infinity of the night sky and I imagined every star a pin prick in the black horizon, offering tiny glimpses of the Light on the other side.

I came to realize that heaven was to be found in the moments after sleep consumes the intellect and just before dreams tease the spirit.

I feared inner peace and sought distraction to the point where distraction took the place of inner peace, and I was content with it.

I sought to deny myself thoughts, beliefs, experiences…to sacrifice them to a code that I thought prohibited them.

I tried to do the right thing when most of the time I hadn’t a clue as to what the right thing was. I have learned that “the right thing” has more to do with luck than any result of good motives.

I celebrate diversity and seek to tear down the walls of intolerance. I firmly believe that one should do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And in regards to how others lead their own lives I would also add this amendment” “Mind thy own business”.

I closed my eyes and thought “This is all there will ever be”. And so I taught myself to love darkness.

I opened my eyes and thought “This is all there will ever be”. And so I taught myself to love light.

A guru led me into a place within myself that was neither light nor darkness and he told me “This is all there will ever be”. And he taught me that if I wished to find it again I must empty myself and surrender to the Supersoul. It was then that I realized I knew nothing.

I read the Bible. I read the Bhagavad-Gita I read the Koran. And I read a lot of other stuff, too. It all made sense to me and I thought to myself, “Gee, God is probably the greatest Author of all time!”

I wanted to be a philosopher. I wanted to be a priest. I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be a famous rock star. I wanted to be a mentor. I wanted to be a scholar. I wanted to be a Marine. I wanted to be a champion. I wanted a lot of things. Too many things.

I listened to a great man’s words….”You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.” And so I tried.

I noticed that the numbers at the top of calendars never went backwards.

One morning I saw a storm brewing in the eastern sky and I gave God a high five.

I had friends that stuck with me, I had friends that had to move away, I had friends that never really knew me, I had friends I didn’t even realize were my friends and I had friends who lost the right to call me “friend”. I lost that right as well, with many people.

I was told that “good things come to those who wait”…I’m still waiting to see if that’s true.

I willingly lost myself in the dreams of others, then felt used and manipulated when the credits began to roll.

A strange thing, that the more I really loved someone the less inclined I was to tell them how much I loved them. As if “they should know by now.” Many was the time such logic turned against me and proved me to be a fool.

I proposed that loving someone grants them entrance into your heart where they will dwell until the day you die. I like to think that, of all the foolish notions I’ve entertained, this one is an unshakeable truth.

Science nurtured my intellect. Thoughts nurtured my mind. Imagination nurtured my spirit. Dreams nurtured my soul.

I satisfied my soul with poet’s nonsense.

I was content with someone else’s song.

Memories kept me from believing that all the things I thought werereal were vapors all along.


I spent all my life searching for the meanings of some things I was never meant to know.

I contended that whoever said “Space is the Place” was a moron.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that every one of the hard questions that arise in this brief span of life that we’ve each been given can be answered in two words:

SECRET CODES.

An EXCLUSIVE inteview with MICK JAGGER

It has been a long, difficult process, but I have finally achieved a milestone in my journalistic career. This is something I’ve dreamed about for a long, long time…a dream that honestly believed would never come true. But thanks to a few friends with connections (and a generous stipend that soared into the higher end of triple digits) it happened…

AN INTERVIEW WITH MICK JAGGER!

That’s right, the aging leader of one of the world’s classic bands, the Rolling Stones, sat down with me for a couple of hours and gave me permission to mine the treasures of his mind for tidbits of important recollection, to a degree that no other interviewer has ever dared.

For those of you who don’t know, Jagger, along with close friend Bill Wyman, formed the Rolling Stones in the very early 60’s. Along with Charlie Watts and Brian Jones the band went on to record some of that era’s definitive hit songs. “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”, “Mother’s Little Helper”, “Get Off Of My Cloud”, “Paint It Black”…a veritable cornucopia of drug influenced music celebrating promiscuity, addiction, nihilism and good old British snobbery and bile.

The Stones were on top by the mid-60’s. American girls couldn’t get enough of the slovenly, unkempt Jagger. Bill Wyman’s innovative bass playing style revolutionized the craft and set a standard for future bassists that has rarely been achieved.

And yet, even though their popularity soared to heights never before dreamed of by pop acts at the time, there was one band who edged them out of the running for “greatest band of all time.”. Keith Richards’ group, the Beatles, had come along at roughly the same time as Jagger & Wyman’s ensemble. Richards’ angelic harmonizing with John Lennon and George Harrison helped propel the Beatles to that plateau of success that no other band has ever been able to repeat. Furthermore, Ginger Baker, though he preferred not to be in the spotlight, practically created the solid backbeat that drove such timeless gems as “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, “She Loves You”, “A Hard Day's Night” and Baker’s masterwork, “Rain”.

The competition was a healthy one, with both band’s striving to outdo each other. For example, Charlie Watts, the Stones’ chief songwriter, heard “Yellow Submarine” one night at a posh London country club and was so impressed that he wrote “19th Nervous Breakdown” the very next day. He claimed that the catchy riff came to him in a dream, that he had to get out of bed immediately and write it down before he forgot it.

Not a month later, Keith Richards’ wrote “Yesterday”, inspired by a song on the Stone’s “Between The Buttons” album called “Something Happened To Me Yesterday” (George Harrison went on to write “Something” later in the band’s career, inspired by the same song). He also claimed to have received the melody in a dream. It was so good, he said, that he wanted to check with his bandmates to be sure that it was his own and not a fragment of a song he might have heard somewhere, like maybe on “Live at Lincoln Center”. John Lennon laughed in his face and refused to play on the song (the first of many protests he became known for). As a result, the group’s long time producer, George Martin, suggested that a string quartet would serve the song well. Harrison said he had better things to do. He was busy scoring LSD at the time. Lennon, of course, was indifferent. He thought the song had no chance. Later, after the Beatles had broken up, he sang a pointed jab at Richards in his song “How Do You Sleep” (“The only thing you done was “Yesterday”…and ever since you’re just “Another Day”, which cleverly admitted that “Yesterday” may well have been a classic song, but that Richards’ current single, “Another Day” was a pile of shit).

The string quartet idea seemed to be the way to go…until Ginger Baker made his opinion known. Basically he threatened to leave the band if Richards and Martin wouldn’t let him play on the song. Martin was incensed. The concept of a drummer playing with a string quartet was repulsive to him. Keith (also affectionately known as “Keef”) sided with the wizened producer and before Ginger could turn in his walking papers they ganged up on him and stuffed a pink slip into the pocket of his gaudy, psychedelic silk shirt. After a few phone calls they were able to talk Rory Storm & the Hurricanes’ drummer Ringo Starr into joining the Beatles. “Yesterday” had already been recorded and mixed by the time Starr was able to make it into the studio, and though he was a little disappointed that he didn’t get to play on the record, he didn’t really care. He had already done something similar with Rory Storms’ band (a hard rock opera based loosely on Gustav Mahler’s 8th symphony).

Meanwhile the Stones just kept on trying to write a song that would top the Beatles. “Under My Thumb” (a sexist exaltation of male dominance), “Honky Tonk Women” (an almost pornographic diary of Jagger’s on-the-road escapades), “Sympathy For the Devil” (commissioned by Anton LaVey, high priest of the International Church of Satan), “Midnight Rambler” (in which Jagger envisioned himself a homicidal rover)…on and on the parade of tunes rolled, each one just a little more depraved than the last until, finally, they wrote a song that angered the Catholic Church and the whole of Canada. “Ruby Tuesday” contained the bold statement that if you lose your dreams you will lose your mind. Furthermore it contended that life was unkind. Siding with the devil was one thing. This was another thing entirely.

It seemed a miracle at the time, but Jagger, Jones, Watts & Wyman persisted. They were on a roll until Brian Jones was beaten to death in a dark alley just outside of his newly acquired mansion. Tirelessly they re-cooped. Amazingly they walked away from that disaster with a new guitarist, Eric Clapton, and a renewed determination to make their next gig a smashing success (which they felt would be a lot easier to do now that the Beatles had given up doing live performances).

The show, at Altamont Speedway, turned into a monumental disaster as a group of funny car racers, upset at the appropriation of their raceway to a bunch of dirty, stoned hippies, made their displeasure known by staging a cacophonous competition that just nearly drowned out the incredibly huge P.A. system (supplied by a joint effort of the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia and the legendary civic organization, the Hell’s Angels). The event turned tragic as, during the guitar solo in “Sympathy For the Devil”, a young man, curious to find out the source of the revving engines, accidentally stepped onto the track, right in front of a speeding automobile. He died instantly and the word “Altamont” was from that day on used to denote the death of the Woodstock generation.

Most rock group’s would have caved in after such a horrible experience. Many in the hippie community firmly believed that the Rolling Stones were cursed by God for writing “Sympathy For the Devil” and cursed by Satan for writing “Time Is On My Side”. Either way you looked at it, the band’s future was in considerable doubt.

Then an event occurred that re-vitalized Jagger and the other guys. The Beatles broke up. Richards had finally become tired of being a studio hermit and he pressed Lennon, Harrison and Starr to return to the road. None of them were willing, though, and the reason was best stated by Harrison: “I ain’t a-gonna get my ass shot. You do what you want…my conscience is clean and don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

With the Beatles out of the picture, Wyman felt that their success finally had a chance to reach such enormous proportions that even the Pope would be envious. A world tour was proposed. Jagger was easily persuaded, as he was never one to turn down an opportunity to inflate his gargantuan ego. Clapton was also on board. His playing had improved since joining the band and his confidence was high. Only Watts was hesitant, wanting to stay home in England to assemble a big band. Clapton soon enough talked him into going, pointing out that such a road trip would inevitably include several detours to the International House of Pancakes. Charlie had such a soft spot for IHOP that he dropped the whole silly notion of .leading a big band.

The Rolling Stones went through many change in the years between then and now. The most notable event during this time was in the late 80’s when ex-Beatle Keith Richards left a prominent ska band to join the group just in time to play on their ground-breaking LP “Dirty Work”. Since then, with “Keef” firmly entrenched, they have put out what many believe to be their masterpieces, albums that define all that they ever were and all they could ever be in the future. “Voodoo Lounge” and “Bridges to Babylon”, though the critics and the general public hated it, were nevertheless considered by musicians worldwide as the apex of what rock music had evolved into. Bob Dylan was heard to say that both of these albums were to his later career what “She Loves You” was to his early work. More importantly, Brian Wilson eventually confessed that “Love Is Strong” had been the creative impetus for the Beach Boys seminal 2002 release “Pet Sounds”.

The Rolling Stones went on to tour, record and generally cement their reputation as the best rock and roll band of all time. Jagger released a slew of solo records of varying quality but all enjoying mediocre sales. Though he obviously enjoyed recording the solo albums (he has said that he relishes any opportunity to take the reins and tell people what to do), he has always maintained that the Stones will forever be his highest priority. “Someday,” he said, “ they’ll have to push me onto that stage in a wheelchair. When I sing about getting no satisfaction it will be about the way I can never seem to get the attention of the nursing assistants when my Depends need to be changed.”

Impressed by such tenacity, I began my interview with probing questions that I felt would provide insight into the mind of this man who had not only helped shape the landscape of rock music as we know it, but bedded down at least 500 beautiful women in the process. No small feat for such an ugly sod.

JAC: Thank you, Mr. Jagger, for granting this interview. I’ve been a fan for a long, long time and I’m one of many who believe that you’ll go down in history as one of the most influential men in all of music, for all time and eternity.

JAGGER: Why thank you. That’s real swell of ya.

JAC: So, which is it? Pepsi or Coke?

JAGGER: Oh, Coke every time. But Pepsi is good, too. Not much in this world that I like more than a cold can of Pepsi and a long line of Coke.

JAC: That’s cool. McDonalds or Burger King?

JAGGER: I do like the Whopper. You know, it’s odd…they always said I could have it my way, and by God, they’ve made good on that boast.

JAC: So you think it would be fair to say that you’re a BK kind of guy?

JAGGER: Yeah, I guess I don’t mind being considered in such a manner. Then again, when Mickey D’s whips out those McRib sandwiches I’ll forsake the King for awhile.

JAC: Okay, now on to more important matters. What kind of wallpaper is on your cellphone?

JAGGER: Wait, let me see. (***opens a bag filled with pills, hypodermic needles and plastic sandwich bags filled with white powder of some sort, pulls out a nice iPhone, looks at it***)…I’ve got that Panda bear from the front of the Zoo Tycoon 2 video game box.

JAC: Wow, that’s really unique. Which leads me to my next question. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

JAGGER: Ummm, well I don’t know that he would want me to disclose his name…

JAC: That’s alright. Who was the last person to call you on the phone?

JAGGER: Rico Janico. He wanted to meet me at some sleezy strip bar, which I normally would not do, but on this occasion I find it prudent to make the journey. Let’s just say he has a little present for my birthday.

JAC: But wasn’t your birthday a couple of months ago?

JAGGER: He’s a little slow in the uptake.

JAC: Say no more. What’s your favorite color?

JAGGER: I’m partial to purple. But I like green a lot, too. I used to be all about yellow but I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

JAC: What’s it like working with Eric Clapton?

JAGGER: It used to be quite invigorating. But ever since he got clean and sober it’s been a drag.

JAC: Is that something that can be construed as an endorsement of drug use?

JAGGER: I wouldn’t say that. It’s just a personal observation. I’ve known Eric for a long time. He used to be incredible, but now he’s just an old fuddy-duddy that won’t join us in the men’s room for a little shot. Que sara sara, you know? I do, however, have something to say that some folks might construe as an endorsement of drug use…

JAC: And what is that?

JAGGER: USE DRUGS! Everybody! Use drugs! Especially you kids. Your daddy’s and mamma’s seem to think you are our bright and shining future. Bah! Let’s all get wasted and watch “Gomer Pyle” re-runs on TV Land. Let’s smoke some crack and discuss Nietzsche, maybe St. Augustine. There’s nothing like philosophical and theological debate when you’re strung out on the horse. I even wrote a song about it.

JAC: Which song was that?

JAGGER: Oh, I forget. I think it was on the “Steel Wheels” album. Then again, it may have been on one of my solo albums. That’s probably the case, because Eric would have never agreed to perform on a song that was so blatantly pro-drug.

JAC: I knew you were pretty heavy into the narcotics, but I had no idea it had progressed to such an alarming level.

JAGGER: Don’t worry, mate. I can afford it.

JAC: Okay, maybe we should move on.

JAGGER: Do you have any crystal meth?

JAC: No.

JAGGER: Okay, then, let’s move on.

JAC: What was the last movie you watched?

JAGGER: “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. And I’m not talking about the Disney version. Heh heh.

JAC: May I assume that this particular version is possibly pornographic?

JAGGER: I don’t know that I’d consider it “pornographic”, unless explicit depictions of people having sex is “pornographic”..

JAC: Regardless of whether or not you consider such films in that manner, one has to wonder why a man whose sexual exploits have become legend would need or even want to watch this kind of material.

JAGGER: It’s all about the dwarves, sport. All about the dwarves.

JAC: I suppose that kind of situation probably has not presented itself to you…

JAGGER: Only a couple of times.

JAC: Group dates or single dates?

JAGGER: I used to prefer single dates. But you know how it is. You fall into a rut, things get boring. So I decided to do the group date thing. At this point the groups number between 60-75. I have to rent a ballroom to git-r-done.

JAC: What did you do last night?

JAGGER: I stayed home and made a few phone calls to Rico Janico. God, I was bored.

JAC: Well, Mick, it would seem that my time with you has come to an end. Would you mind answering just one more question before you leave?

JAGGER: Is it important?

JAC: Oh yes, it is extremely important. The future of the entire civilized world hangs upon your answer.

JAGGER: Shoot!

JAC: When was the last time you cried?

JAGGER: I cry just about everyday, old salt. I cry for every single human being I left behind in the path of my destruction. I cry for every rock and roll wanna-be who decided early on that they wanted to be like me and then had their spirits crushed when they realized it was nothing but the old 9 to 5 for the rest of their lives. I cry for the dreams of Britain that I shattered by moving to New York. I cry for the virginity of the universe, forever imperiled by the eventual encounter with my eternal spirit. I cry for each and every puppy dog and kitty cat forced to go hungry because their master decided to spend Gravy Train money on crack. I cry for every slut, every whore that has taken the stage on the Jerry Springer show. I cry for Oprah Winfrey. I cry for Katie Couric. I cry for Stone Cold Steve Austin. I cry for every developmentally delayed individual in the American Midwest. But the last time I cried was this morning when the maid spilled hot coffee all over my crotch.

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I would like to thank Mick Jagger for the time he took from his busy schedule to speak with me. In addition I would also like to thank Johnny Cash, the Lovin’ Spoonful, the members of Boston, Chicago & Kansas, Jerry Garcia, Poncho Villa, J.R.R. Tolkien, Bill Clinton, the Marqui de Sade, Dean Koontz, Rachel Ray, Jenna Jameson, Vanilla Ice, the late, great Tammy Faye Messner, Joni Lamb, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Barry Bonds, SuperFly, Les “Survivorman” Stroud, Tony the Tiger, A Flock of Seagulls, Jerry Reed, Tom T. Hall, George Harrison, John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Keith Richards, Eric Clapton, Bill Wyman, Charlie Watts, Helen Reddy, The Doodle-Bops and the guy who invented the wheel. Also a VERY special “Thank You” to Rico Janico.