1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Brown paper bags are always the best.
2. Real tree or Artificial?
Artificial, The real ones catch fire too easilly, as my cousin's family found out a few years ago. I guess they deserved it, though, because it's really kind of a stupid idea to chop down a pecan tree and use it for Christmas.
3. When do you put up the tree?
I kinda hate this kind of stuff, so it's not so much WHEN I put up the tree it's HOW do I put up WITH the tree. But I figure, hell, it's just a tree, right?
4. When do you take the tree down?
Whenever I can get Uncle Charlie to loan me his chainsaw.
5. Do you like egg nog?
I'd rather drink raw sewage. And I have, in fact, drank raw sewage, so the comparison is not arbitrary.
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
A kidney donation from a compassionate, selfless individual whose generosity touched the heart of every member of my family. Of course, there was nothing wrong with either of my kidneys, but I had a fun time playing with it.
7. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, but it's kind of strange. All the wise men are portrayed by cast members from "The Godfather",
8. Hardest person to buy for?
The Incredible Hulk
9. Easiest person to buy for?
Rosie on the corner of Robinson & 3rd in the Blue Light district.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I make e-mail Christmas cards, print 'em up then send them in the mail.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
"Turd-in-a-Bucket"...although I hear those things are wildly popular in France.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
"Goodfellas". "Bad Lieutenant" is the runner up.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
December 25th, when all the stores are closed. I get 'er wrapped up by the time the stores re-oopen on the 26th.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
As a matter of fact, I have. I gave the kidney I'd recieved the year before to my Uncle Charlie, who used it as a dog treat. Labrodors just love human organs.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Cranberry sauce. You know, the kind that comes in the can and retains the shape of the inner can? Oh yeah. Just pop that sucker open and plop it on a plate, bite by bite a gelatinous delight.
Just kidding. I hate cranberry sauce. I prefer taco sauce.
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
The clear ones are more apt to ignite a fire, while the colored ones have the Good Housekeeping seal of approval and rarely cause fires. So I'd have to choose the clear ones.
17. Favorite Christmas song?
"Iron Man"
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Depends on where the family is going to be. If they're coming to my house then I'm gonna travel. If they're staying put, then so am I. They don't call me "The Family Guy" for nothing, you know.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Sure I can name 'em. I named my son, my daughter and 4 different pets over the course of my life, I think it's safe to say I could name those pesky deer if I got a notion to. I'd start with Klein. Then I'd name the second one Roberta. The third one, of course, would be Captain America. The fourth, Carter the 3rd. The fifth and sixth deer are twins (I bet ya didn't know that, did ya?) so I'd have to give them some silly rhyming name...how about Frank and Hank? That sounds good, even though they are females. And then there's that red-nosed beast that guides the way for the rest. Everyone knows what his name is, as it's etymology has been celebrated in one of the most popular Christmas songs ever...that's right...Santa's Bitch.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
You can't expect a heavenly being to remain tethered to a tree top for the duration of the Christmas season. Unless, of course, you're talking about one of the really scary ones from the book of Ezekial, in which case I suppose you could tie one up and let it struggle for freedom in a cage perched at the top of your tree. You'd have to set it free after the Christmas holiday, because they are bestowed with uncanny skills of escape on New Years Eve. On that day they wreak more havoc in a 24 hour period than a mob gang can muster up in two weeks. So string one of 'em up if you get the chance. Otherwise the star is acceptable. Just as long as you understand that in many parts of the world it is considered a strong talisman for use in Satanic rituals.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
I was always told that all kids who could not wait until Christmas morning to open their presents were selfish, impatient bastards who didn't even deserve to get any presents. Of course, I fell into this category. I thought it was all good, but later in my life my mother confessed that she and dad would have bought better toys for me if I had waited until Christmas day. As it was, I had to feign excitement over the third set of Lincoln Logs in as many years.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
Salvation Army beggars with their bells and their cheerful "Merry Christmas" wishes. It's a well-known fact that they silently curse you if you don't put money in their buckets.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
I once had an ornament set based on the members of Charles Manson's Family. Oh my God, it was so cool. I had to take it down, though, because my Jewish mother-in-law said she offended by the swastikas carved in their foreheads. I think she was just being a party-pooper.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
With the exception of the canned cranberry sauce I make it a point not to eat on Christmas day. I've always done that, and I don't know why. The only thing I can figure is that grass is green and the sky is blue.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
City Hall.
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