I'm bored as hell this morning, with no real reason to believe that I won't be bored as hell all day long. Not that I don't have anything to do...I could read a book, listen to some music, surf the Internet, write some lyrics and maybe even a song to put them to, pull out the bass guitar and play it, or maybe the guitar...God knows there is plenty I could do in regards to house work. And yet I can't seem to get motivated to do ANY of it. I've been in a kind of "dumbed down" state of emotional health lately. No feelings... Maybe that's going a little too far in describing it, but not by much.

I'm in this stage between depression and mania...which is probably exactly where I SHOULD be in the grand scheme of things. Only problem is that my emotions tend to be limited to one or the other of the extremes. I start to get anxious wondering which way the pendulem is going to swing. If it goes back into depression (as it generally does) then I've got that whole shit-mess to deal with. But if I start feeling pretty good, the way I'd like to feel all the time, I worry that it will get out of hand and escalate into the realms of the psychotic. Almost as bad is the certain knowledge that the good feelings, what I have no doubt are the NORMAL feelings a man should have, simply WILL NOT LAST. I don't know how long they will be around, but I do know that it won't be long, and this drags me back down, probably even a little further, into the depression. Nothing helps, because it's not a choice I make. It's a chemical fuck-up in my brain. I really need to find some kind of perspective from which I can successfully deal with this. I should probably find some kind of group therapy and, at the least, a psychiatrist or psychologist I can visit on a regular basis. Too bad I get bored with the former and scared that the latter will resort to more medication to deal with these issues. I'd almost be willing to get on some really strong stuff just to smother all the thoughts that constantly whirl around in my head, but I can's abide the idea of someone else having to wipe drool from my mouth and shit off my ass because I'm too drugged up to do it myself.

I hate to bring marijuana back into the flow of the last two weeks worth of posts, but for anyone out there who has a problem with my history of pot smoking, I would only like to say that one of the primary reasons (if not THE most important reason) that I ever smoked pot was to calm down the barrage of thoughts that plague me. Of course I like the way it makes me feel (I would like to say MADE me feel, but at this point, despite New Years resolutions and such, I can't rule out it's therapeutic benefits). It lifts me out of the hardcore depression...lately it's seemed to lift me a little TOO HIGH, up to the verge of psychosis. But that can be regulated. Finding a happy medium is key, and I have yet to do that. Plus, it's a drag keeping it secret. My son does not need to know about my smoking...but he knows what it smells like on the breath and clothers etc., so I can't be sure that he doesn't ALREADY know. I hope not...not because I want to hide anything from him or that I think he would take it badly (he probably would, but I think it would pass when he came to comprehend what it's for in my life). I only want to wait until he's older. I don't want him to think, "Well, Dad does it, so it must be okay if I do it, too"... I really, really don't believe that would be his reaction, because he's firmly entrenched in the anti-drug mindset (which is EXACTLY where I want him to be). In a few years I'll have a talk with him (unless something happens that will require the conversation to take place sooner) and let him know WHY I use(d) marijuana. Hopefully it won't be a big deal.

Alas, I did not mean to speak at such length about the subject. I was going on about my bipolar, wasn't I? Well, it sucks. That's all I have to add to what I wrote earlier. It's a drag. It bruises the psyche.

I'm going to have to start watching my diet a little more closely than I have been. The low-fat diet seemed to do me good, but I haven't had any luck sticking to it. Juana's Mexican food, donuts, brownies, brisket, all-you-can-eat buffets at the Golden Corral...all that and more. I've had a series of chest pains over the course of the last few weeks and though I don't know if the "bad food" is the cause, it may well be, in which case I should (and WANT TO) scale 'er back and suffer hunger for the sake of my heart. Just yesterday I bent over to pick something off of a table and WHAM! It felt like my heart was being stuck with several needles. That can't be good. Obviously I have not come to the point where I think I need to go to the emergency room or even make an appointment with a doctor (as if they would be able to see me in the next couple of weeks, anyway). Most of the pains seem like they could be related to GERD, like muscle pain. But if I have another one of those "needle prick" episodes I will most likely give the doc a call.

I'm probably going to do some recording at my friend's house this weekend, unless the weather gets bad. Jonathon Conder said there may be another big ass winter storm coming this way on Thursday, and that might curtail my plans. I ain't gonna drive on no ice. I hope that's not the case, because we had planned on going to see my brother's band play a gig at some bar. Both of us, my friend and I, used to play in that band. I bowed out gracefully almost 2 years ago, citing continuing hearing loss and the disruption of essential sleep patterns. My buddy wanted to leave on his own accord, but they let him go themselves before he had a chance to defect. It was kind of funny, actually. He'd told me that he was only going to play with them for one more month, then leave for (what I consider to be) legitimate reasons. 3 weeks into that month and he gets a call..."Well, we know you don't like to play 'one-night-only' gigs, so if you don't want to come out tonight, that's okay. We'll understand." Ha! They'd played another show just a month or two before and for whatever reason he wasn't asked to come along. Whatever. The long and short of it is that we both played with them. Neither one of us holds any kind of resentful feelings or grudges against anyone in the band. On the contrary. We like just about everyone in it. Personally, I'm just looking forward to hearing what it sounds like without my buddy's keyboards in the mix. And I would be lying if I didn't say that I'll be critiquing the bassist's style and technique. They are down to a quartet, with one of the instruments being an alto saxophone, so you might as well call them a trio/rhythm section. Should be fun. If we're real lucky a bar fight will break out. And if we're REALLY, REALLY lucky, it will be a cat fight.

As for the recording we're hoping to do earlier in the day, I'm not sure what I want to play. I'm kind of getting tired of trying to lay down tracks of the stuff I've had floating around for years. I never seem to have much luck with them. Maybe I should write a couple of new ones in the next few days and "get them on tape" while they're still fresh. Or perhaps I should just throw something together on the spot? That could be fun. No matter. I just want to accomplish something, however I choose to do it. I wrote a silly song a few days ago about a death row inmate, but I'm not sure if that's something I want to pull out, for a couple of reasons. Number one: I don't know that anybody other than myself would find it humorous. The subject matter is, indeed, rather grim. Number 2: I want to record a SERIOUS song. I don't want to gain a reputation of a clown who only writes goofy shit.

We shall see and what will be will be. I'll write the words to wacky death row song and post them BELOW this one.

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