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VH1 Jump Start

Impressions:

The most recent Coldplay video only solidifies my lack of enthusiasm of their particular brand of Radiohead inspired music. Once again Chris Martin is the main culprit, twitching like David Byrne in the old Heads' video "Once In A Lifetime" and putting on the Oscar face. Lacklustre song. Neat effect at the end where the band is kind of disintegrating...would have been a much better affair if the disintegration had started at the beginning so that within the first moment or so they would all be gone. All that would be left would be the music, which really isn't all that bad without having to look at this goofy interpretation.

Saving Abel...what a doofus name that is. I don't guess it's too much worse than Staind, though. That's the mine they're digging from. I couldn't be bothered to listen to the lyrics, but unless this is a rare animal I can assume that they are every bit as banal as the band's name.

Snow Patrol.."Crack the Shutters"...For some reason I was under the impression that Snow Patrol may well have been a decent band. I don't know how I ever came to that conclusion. Maybe I saw them on a Glastonbury Festival performance on Palladia. Surely that must have been a different band. It's got to be. Because these guys strive to hit the "mediocre" landmark. The singer works fluently in the Chris Martin School of Over-Emoting. The camera does not like this guy when it zooms in on his mug. Not half as bad a Saving Abel (though that's not saying much).

Next up, after a deluge of shitty commercials and spots for VH1's inane programs, I am presented with a videeo from a nominally attractive spitfire named Katey Perry. She looks considerably less attractive with her make-up smeared down her cry-baby face. Even less so when she sports the snot green rouge. But she pulls it all off with exuberance and that's admiorable. Oh, the music? Sorry, I didn't hear it. The video distracted me. Who listens to music anymore"

Alter Bridge...aren't these the guys who used to be Creed before Scott Stapp left? They're sportin' a lead singer who looks like Keith Urban had he been a burned out heroin junkie who lived under the bridge for most of his life...okay, maybe that was just the first impression. Sorry, Keith. This guy looks more like a fit and trimmed Grim Reaper. Seriously, this video is so bad you should look it up on YouTube just for a laugh. The oh-so-subtle Christian references abound...

Beyonce...FUCK Beyonce. Plus she looks ridiculous as a police officer. She's good with a gun, though, which, I'm sure, is a userful talent to possess when you're hanging with Jay-Z's crowd.

The Killers..."Human"...Now, finally, here is a band that I actually like (at least on the strength of one song). The chorus hook makes very little sense: "Are we human or are we dancers?" What? I have to choose? Nice scenery, but even the Grand Canyon couldn't save this ridiculous display. I'm glad this wasn't the first song I heard by the Killers...it would have also been the last.

Honey Honey..."Little Toy Gun"...I made much of Katey Perry's good looks, and so I am hesitant to laud the physical attractiveness of Honey Honey's cute vocalist. But really, it's all they've got going for them. Even the "wild west" gimmick can't save the video from the realistic possibility of eventually diving into the vat of forgotten "gems", to eternally rot with all the others who recieved more exposure on VH1's Jump Start than anywhere else at any time in their career. One can hope.

All American Rejects..."Give You Hell"...Okay. this is where Jump Start and I part ways. If the Flaming Lips are an example of the best Oklahoma bands, the All-American Rejects EASILY qualify as the WORST. I don't know what happened with them. As far as I know they didn't pay any dues by playing live shows or doing any PR at all around here. No doubt they would have been booed from any stage. All of a sudden there was this All-American Rejects album and people were going on and on about how they came from Stillwater. I would assume that the same money that paid for the album's success is now working towards the band's continued rise to "fame". And it's very likely all all of it is coming from one or two wallets.

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