Toni Toni Toni

It all began a few years ago. While n the process of channel surfing, I parked it on BET, to check out a few R&B videos. That was the first time I heard “He Wasn’t Man Enough For Me” by Toni Braxton. I found myself practically smitten with the husky-voiced ebony vixen. Not a bad video, I must say. I tries to sing along with it, but I sounded like a total fool.
Then I caught the lovely Ms. Braxton performing the same song on the Jay Leno show. The well choreographed dance routine and her charming demeanor during the “post-song chit chat” insured that the song would lodge itself in my cranium until the album was released.

After seeing that ass-shaking I decided I couldn’t wait to get my fill, so I bought her two previous records, “Toni Braxton” and “Secrets”.

"Well. Toni,” I remember saying,caught up in a fantasy in which the two of us took turns giving backrubs to each other, “What did you expect? I fell in love with you, girl. Your voice is like that of a sex goddess. You’re making me high, baby. Give it up, sweet thing, let me step up to ya and get all down in it...or up in it, however you ride.”

When the third album, “The Heat”, finally came out, you can bet it was only a matter of days before I found myself “in the kitchen”, as it were, sweatin’ and steamin’, dancin’ and dreamin’.

“The Heat” shot up the charts to the number 2 slot, but it only stayed there for one week. I was disappointed that it didn’t make it all the way to numero uno, but I thought it might gain some momentum when they released the next single. Surely the second wave of the album’s promotional blitz would follow. I knew she would charm the socks of anyone lucky enough to catch her that time around.

But I had a bad feeling that the bozos at her record company would release “Spanish Guitar” as the follow up. It was a Diane Warren-penned bit of fluff, and Toni’s had success in the past with her shit (“Unbreak My Heart”). I just knew that wasn’t the song that was gonna send “The Heat” back up the charts (it had fallen to the bottom realms of the top 10 by that time).

If it were up to me, I thought, those record company suits would do well to put out “Just Be a Man About It”. It would be easy to turn the video into a sequel to “He Wasn’t Man Enough For Me”. They could even use the same cast (who was that hot girlfriend, anyway?...she looked familiar). Maybe pull in some heavyweight rap muscle, like Dr. Dre, to play the thug who beats the shit out of the guy who can’t ‘fess up to Toni.

But those days have come and gone. I have forgotten practically everything I ever knew about Toni Braxton. I sold all of her CDs to a used record store for four bucks apiece, even “The Heat”. I had to do it. I had become obsessed with her. I hired a private detective to find out where she lived, then I set up a stake-out, hoping for a chance to meet her and ask for a date.


Incredible as it might seem, I did run into her and I felt like I had died and gone to heaven when she actually said she would go out with me. I took her to Carl’s Jr. and she ordered their mushroom Portobello burger. I told her that mushrooms made me gag. She said, “I guess it’s a good thing I don’t expect you to eat ‘em.”

She really put me in my place with that one, but I think she really dug me. Most of the gentlemen she dates think they have to take her to excessively expensive high-end restaurants to wine and dine their way into her pants. I think she knew that my aspirations weren’t quite that lofty. She appreciated that..

Furthermore, she made a point of telling me how ill my rapping skills were and that she thought my flow was as dope as any thug she ever knew. She’s right about that, you know. I can battle with the best of ‘em. Jamie Kennedy ain’t got nothin’ on me.

Everything was hunky dory until the tail end of the date, when I tried to kiss her goodnight.