Nothing seems to be working out for me today. The camcorder fucks up as I'm trying to transfer the stuff on it to DVD. I accidentally downloaded the same file twice, which wouldn't be too much trouble except that it was hosted by RapidShare, and that means wait, wait, wait.

The first thing I saw when I looked out the window this morning was one of our trashcans knocked over and much of it's contents spilled on the ground. This happened last week so I'd put a really heavy slab of mortar on top to keep the critters from doing it again. Now I'm not so sure it was critters. It would have to be an awfully big one to tip it over again.

Then, just now, I thought I was adjusting the treble on my stereo in the office. But it was the balance knob instead. You have to understand that it is a LOT of trouble setting the stereo spacial seperation to the exact point where I'm satisfied with it. This meant that I would have to go over the entire process again. I am not in the mood for it.

What can I say...the last few days have been rough. I am concerned that I may be heading for another manic episode. Not like the last ones, not really. I feel my mind boggled by reality, though I'm sure that makes no sense. It's kind of like a "why are we here" question. That, along with "WHAT are we, really?" Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by my inability to answer these, and other unanswerable questions. I know they are beyond the grasp of the human mind. "Only God knows", I understand this. If I knew the answers I would be God. It's is impossible for there to be two Gods. I really should just shove all this God stuff into a seldom visited corner of my psyche. It does nothing but get me in trouble. Trouble meaning psychotic episodes. And all these questions can only be directed to and answered by God, so I'd say they qualify for the "ignore them or face the consequences" category.

I don't even know if I believe in "God" in that sense...in the Judeo Christian sense. In face, I know I don't. I think it's more like the Buddhist (or is it Hindu?) concept that "God" is in all of us, playing hide and seek with himself for the purpose of experiencing his own creation. We are all vessels of this experiencing. Some have come to realize this. Others have not and one day will. Others will never know. I know it, to the extent that I am able to know it. Obviously it's a matter of faith. But for me, at least, the understanding comes from a place within me that has been untainted by anyone's attempts to "convert" me. It is the fruit of an epiphany, to be sure, but one that only explained something I long suspected was the case all my life.

And so here I am. Yeah, I can find peace in the Moment. If I could keep myself there I would be fine. But, for whatever reason, I can't. I think it may be because of my mental condition. It pulls me backwards and forwards until the moment seems far away and I start to ask WHY?????? Like I'm waiting for an answer that I know will never come, not in this lifetime. It's all I can during these times to find something to distract me. I can't explain the terror that grips me when I realize that I'm losing touch. Or the fear of winding up in the same situation I've been in many times, or maybe even worse.

I've got a med clinic day after tomorrow and I'm thinking I'll ask the doctor to refer me to a good head shrinker. I should have found one a few months ago. I know I'll be pretty particular about the kind of person I'll accept counseling from (I trust no one). That's the main reason I haven't made the attempt. But it's to the point now where I feel it's necessary. So Wednesday it is, and I hope Dr. Richards can turn me on to someone decent.

Not that I feel like that right now. I don't. Other than just the excessive "pissed-off" nature that's been prevelant with all the shit that's gone wrong this morning. I haven't felt really bad in a couple of days, but I think it's going to happen again so I want to "nip it in the bud."

I don't know why I publish these thoughts here, where anyone can read them. I probably shouldn't. But what the hell. There's a reason for everything.

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