Haven’t had anything to say the last couple of days…not that I ever really have anything to say, but you know what I mean. I don’t think I’ve bounced back from the depression I succumbed to a couple of weeks ago. It’s not like I’ve been living under a dark cloud of gloom 24 hours a day, but I’ve been exhibiting some of the usual symptoms of my downward slide. I’ve been easily irritated and, I’m sure, extremely irritating to those around me. I have very little patience for anything and/or anyone. It lets up periodically, but not for too long.

I hope that it eases up soon. That’s one of the worst things about bipolar disorder. You know this awful mood is part of the illness and you can’t really do anything about it. Just wait until it’s run it’s course and be glad it’s a depression as opposed to a serious manic swing.

It’s fucked up to think that a person could actually be grateful for such a terrible state-of-mind. It’s nothing to be “thankful” for, but that’s not what I mean. It’s more like I’m so glad that my bipolar is manifesting itself in the depression and not escalating to a psychotic manic episode. I can deal with the depression well enough, and to be honest, it hasn’t been as bad as I’ve felt it in the past (I assume that is a positive result of the medication I’m on).

Still…….blah. What a messed up life I live.

But I DO live. And I don’t want to experience the alternative any time soon. If I have to walk an emotional tightrope in order to exist, I will have to be content with that. It could be a lot worse. Don’t get the impression that I’m complaining. I just get worn out sometimes. I wish it weren’t such a hard decision, to love myself or to hate myself. I wonder if it’s even my decision to make. Right now I don’t think it is.

Nevertheless…SIX DAYS UNTIL SIGUR ROS!!! Perhaps that will pull me up and set me on a more manageable keel.